The Vanity

ANd so, the convos about Art, what it is and why I do it , have been on the tongue of my confidant and I this week...

The vanity, the self-obsession, but also the need to express in order to survive. Its interesting because people always ask me if these women I paint are me... I answer that they must be, weren't intended to be, but I'm painting MY insides, so clearly my women will resemble me.

Sometimes, no doubt I intend them to be me, considering I'm painting about something that happened or is happening to me. I suppose these characters are versions of ideaL beauty,, seen by me... but I also suppose, based on what I've been told, that I am a version of 'ideaL beauty' as well. Something i've taken a long time to grasp, and still have trouble understanding....

Considering in my first couple decades I was awkward, acne covered and in public school with the the last name Waffle.... I had a hard time, and definitely wasn't considered beautifuL until the later years when I started wearing makeup. I still walk around and have no idea that I am 'beautiful' in the way people exclaim I am on the regular basis././ It's weird. I don't actually hear them. I don't even like the attention really.

But! Art is also about attention, and I believe I'm in it for a different kind of attention. The good kind, based on accomplishment and thinking. I most definitely know I want to be taken seriously, and often if your pretty , people dont take you seriously. Especially in a predominately Male industry.

It's interesting, to me,.. because I also firmly believe I am sincerely holding back. Have never really let myself express myself the way I feel I should be. But I think my guts will only get stronger as I get older.... more confident.... and perhaps less pretty ;)

who knows... just some thought.s