homesickness

It's sunny as hell out, spring is near... I'm feeling crazy homesick today - missing my peeps big time. It definitely feels like the novelty of 'being away' is wearing off... Now that I'm over all the shit I wanted to get over, am mended , and happy again. I really miss the people/stuff I didn't want to move on from. I want to be back in it, chillin in my East.

sprinkly face

happy/sad

I've realized it is quite hard to create in the way I'm used to creating....

Having spent the past few years feeling quite down, unhappy, lost,..
I've filled my time with paintings reflecting these emotions....
Full of feeling, dreaming, harbouring deep undertones of despair...
"Sad but beautifuL", someone once said.
I fell into my paintings...
I let 'rybon' wash over me,. I let 'Her' uplift me into a better place,..
In hard times, my art was my cure.

Now I am in Vancouver,
a place where I don't know many people,
but a place where I feel calm and at peace.
There's a beautiful little stupid kitten chasing her tale on my floor, and a beautiful intelligent man I live with, who cherishes me,.. both of them bring me joy and laughter everyday... they fill me with a secure happiness I haven't felt in a long time.

But.... I find it incredibly hard to paint in the way I'm used to paining.
So....... I think I have to create in light of how I'm feeling - lighthearted, happy, funny, etc.

I am changing course. ... It'll be hard to do... but painting these huge heartfelt images, just doesn't suit my mood.

I can feel it gettin there....

something is happening... at least I hope it is.
I am seriously lacking inspiration at the moment, but perhaps am on the brink of something huge, at least i hope i am.

i will say it again... I want to be good. I want to mean something...
I'm obsessed with good images, but they need to mean more than 'cooL' to look at.

I am yearning for the day I get there... i'll get there , and then i'll yearn for something else.

In one of those moods: the spellbound kind

I woke up this morning to BLasting sunlight and the Kitten asleep on my neck.
Spent time, quiet, with Bart, in bed.
We mused about the night before, spending time with his friends at Karaoke ...

We then arose, got some coffee, and grabbed the basketball, for a game in the park on our street.
The sun felt warmer than I've felt in months, assuring us that Spring is almost here.

Sweet breath. A sigh.
We walk slowly... enjoying the air and the bright day,.
Funny how yesterday I felt so flat... angry... sad etc. Then today, utterly Spellbound by this little life I get to lead...
Feeling so much love, being in Love for the first time in years, ... Living in a dream.

I painted my anger out yesterday... threw Black pain on a White surface.
Splashed the ink all over a large canvas, then carved 'What's the point?' in it, over and over again.
WHATS THE POINT > was my mood yesterday . . .
and then today, I sigh in relief , while sitting in hand with Love, in a sunny park, while looking at SNowy mountain peeks, ... the air washing those angry words from my mind.... the beautifuL serene scene reminding me that THIS is the Point.

Me here, doing nothing, while doing something, then typing it aLL out right now, painting it out yesterday,,, may seem pointless in a fleeting moment, but ever lasting and important when the sun comes out, and you Breathe it all in ,.
as It aLL is,. the essence of existing, ..
with no explanation.

And I did...

I said i should paint it out of me....
... and then I did.

:>

in one of those moods: the indifferent kind

Im freezing inside, but was overheating outside.
Im in a mood, i tend to get into.... dont know how many other people get like this.... but its the kind that sucks.
Indifferent. Uncaring. Not happy. But not sad either. Just flat as fuck, and kind of angry.
Like 'What is the point to all this?'
When I'm in a mood like this, I suppose all i'm good for is painting.... perhaps I should try and paint it out of me.

The Vanity

ANd so, the convos about Art, what it is and why I do it , have been on the tongue of my confidant and I this week...

The vanity, the self-obsession, but also the need to express in order to survive. Its interesting because people always ask me if these women I paint are me... I answer that they must be, weren't intended to be, but I'm painting MY insides, so clearly my women will resemble me.

Sometimes, no doubt I intend them to be me, considering I'm painting about something that happened or is happening to me. I suppose these characters are versions of ideaL beauty,, seen by me... but I also suppose, based on what I've been told, that I am a version of 'ideaL beauty' as well. Something i've taken a long time to grasp, and still have trouble understanding....

Considering in my first couple decades I was awkward, acne covered and in public school with the the last name Waffle.... I had a hard time, and definitely wasn't considered beautifuL until the later years when I started wearing makeup. I still walk around and have no idea that I am 'beautiful' in the way people exclaim I am on the regular basis././ It's weird. I don't actually hear them. I don't even like the attention really.

But! Art is also about attention, and I believe I'm in it for a different kind of attention. The good kind, based on accomplishment and thinking. I most definitely know I want to be taken seriously, and often if your pretty , people dont take you seriously. Especially in a predominately Male industry.

It's interesting, to me,.. because I also firmly believe I am sincerely holding back. Have never really let myself express myself the way I feel I should be. But I think my guts will only get stronger as I get older.... more confident.... and perhaps less pretty ;)

who knows... just some thought.s

EMiLy IsLand

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

The Kitten & Crows

This kitten purrs in my lap. Asleep on her back ,feet in the air.
She's been a hellion this morning… tearing around like a mad woman.
I like her better like this, quiet and cuddly. Warm and sweet.
I guess all wild creatures need to calm down at times. and sleep.

Im in my living room. My studio living room. I have my recent paintings all around me. Some big, some medium, some small. Colourful as heLL. So colourful they kind of make me sick. The most intense one, looks like my brain's exploded all over it. It's definitely the exact colours of my brain… maybe i should call it, 'my brain'. These paintings make me miss the canvases I first did, the ones i did in black and white.

There is no music on, silence… until i hear a crew of crows out my window. There are so many crows in Vancouver. i like it.
And so, I want to be good,… like the kind of good that breaks through shit… i want to set rules for myself… write a manifesto…. design a movement. Paint things people have never seen…. commentate on the age we live in… how strange it is…. how we watch each other.,… how we know things need to change, even more drastically than before…

I guess it's hard to be happy go lucky - la dee dA - right now… i suppose some people do it… i can sometimes…. but realistically , im quite serious. I like real deep shit: the kind that resinates & shakes the brain. I want to be able to make stuff that does that ~ not only shakes my brain, but other peoples. People of all ages.

The Kitten has moved…
she watches my fingers type,
she bats at them with her paw.

The Crows have moved on,
I now hear Sea Gulls.